Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.

The way of a man with a woman is one of life’s great mysteries. From every perspective the process is mysterious, resembling a blindfolded sabre dance on uneven ground. The young man who pursues marriage enters a foreign land where he wages war. On the hinges of that battle lie happiness or shame.

But though a potential bride may be deeply loved, she’s also at some level the foe. To achieve victory the young man must not only win her, he must defeat her and her family, snatching her from their bosom, converting her to himself, breaking her natural bonds with father and mother, brother and sister, nurse and friend, dog and home. There’s little that’s tender about it. At funerals we cloak harsh reality in kind words and soft colors. So too, at weddings soft words and vibrant colors disguise a bloody truth. The wedding ceremony is really a mini-Versailles, an Appomattox-in-a-nutshell of capitulation and triumph, the surrender of one woman to one man, the victory song of groom over both bride and family.

Scripture tells us that a king should count the cost before sending his army into battle. In the same way a young man should count the cost and weigh the odds before entering the lists of romantic battle. It’s not an easy course. Rewarding, pleasurable, wonderful, yes, but pitched conflict fraught with danger as well.

Is such thinking antiquated in this day of feminist equality? Not if we take at face value Scripture’s statement that Christ’s relationship to His bride, the Church, is the template for human marriage. Christ came to woo, but to woo He first had to conquer. And not just conquer Satan, but woo and conquer His bride as well.

It’s ironic that modern Christian thinking about wooing seeks to domesticate an inherently conflicted and dangerous process. The desire of many Christians in the realm of romance seems to be to render warfare safe—as though, unlike Christ’s battle for His bride, the way of a man with a virgin should be entirely risk-free and controlled.

The obvious problem with such an approach is that it doesn’t eradicate danger, it merely delays the necessary battles of courtship and wooing until after marriage—when the stakes are even higher and the costs of failure even greater.

The one great danger we should seek to preserve our children from in the process of their moving toward marriage is sin. But even here, the solution to sin is not mere avoidance of temptation. The solution ultimately must be victory over temptation. Which of us would think we’ve successfully inoculated our children against the dangers of alcohol if we’ve only kept them from seeing wine or tasting beer?

The modern courtship movement is in many ways a doomed attempt to render the wooing process conflict free. It seeks to keep temptation at bay. It seeks to manage the relationship of potential groom to potential bride. It provides forms which guide the man’s approach not only to his potential bride, but to her family. It is, in a word, safe. And for that very reason it is ultimately dangerous, because marriage is not safe, and the wooing which leads to marriage is not safe. It is war, and the quicker our children understand this the better. It is war against sin. It is the breaking of families and established orders. It is secession and union all in one, penetration and insemination, not merely lacy ruffles and Pachelbel canons but velvet-gloved violence. All this courtship conceals. But it will out—in marriage if not before.

It doesn’t matter what we call the wooing process: courting, dating, wooing. In the end, the goal is to establish bonds that last. At times that will require things our safe forms rebel against—for instance, a long journey by a man and espoused virgin with none accompanying them, with no protection for the woman’s virtue save the man’s honor. This, my friends, is the kind of danger we need to train our children to meet. And, this, I fear, is the kind of danger the courtship movement seeks simply to avoid.

Examples

1. Christus Victor. Victor? Over what? In what? For what? For a friend? In a game? Over Himself?
2. David with Michal. Too literal, perhaps, to be seen by some, but obvious.
3. Jacob with Rachel. Seven years hard labor.
4. Jacob with Leah. Why Leah? Well, what exactly was that thing that took place between Leah and Rachel post-marriage? And where exactly did Jacob fit in that equation? Some victories are pyrrhic....
5. David with Abigail. Obvious again.
6. David with Bathsheba. Nor are all wars fought fairly.
7. Tamar. The whole ugly, glorious mess.
8. Boaz with Ruth. Strategies, plans, obstacles, and...victory.
9. Esther. Some wars are prosecuted by the weaker vessel.
10. Gomer. Hosea 2:14-17

Strategy

In warfare it's essential not to confuse primary and secondary objectives. Stalin's son was captured by the Wehrmacht in World War II. Stalin refused every rescue plan, unwilling in any way to take the focus off the invading Germans.

The primary objective in the war of love is the heart of the potential bride. A suitor can win a father's approval but that's not the ultimate objective. A young man can win all sorts of hearts--his beloved's mother's, sisters', brothers', dog's, even her third-grade teacher's--but if he fails to claim hers, he loses the battle.

One might hope that by winning the daughter the suitor will gain the embrace of her family. But it doesn't always work that way. David gained Michal without ever winning her father's heart; Jacob never truly brought Leah and Rachel's family on board.

Modern "courtship" rightfully elevates the role of fathers in the wooing process. But in elevating that role it may have confused young men about the ultimate goal of courtship, causing them to think that winning the father's approval is tantamount to winning their bride. Young men must still pursue the woman they love--even with her father's approval. Ultimately they must woo and win her, not just her father or family.

It's at this point that modern courtship theory often leaves young men unprepared to successfully prosecute their pursuit. In courtship's renewed emphasis on father and family, the suitor's approach to the father--the official starting point for the process of courtship--often becomes a surrogate proposal. As a result courtship often begins where it should end, with an appeal to a father not far removed from a request for the daughter's hand. Once a young man talks to a father everyone knows something significant has happened, but what exactly is it? Has the young man started down the path to courtship--or to marriage, and is there a difference between the two in the mind of the father? In the mind of the young man? In the heart of the daughter? Is the daughter now limited to the young man in her romantic interests? Has he trifled with her heart if he decides he's no longer interested in her?

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what name the pursuit is given, dating, courting, wooing, its objective is the heart of the young woman. And because the woman's heart is courtship's goal, it must also be be its starting point. The guy must win the girl. Everything else is secondary--not unimportant, not incidental, but still secondary.

Young men must understand that there isn't a worthy marriage in Scripture where the woman wasn't won before the marriage took place. The pursuit can be straightforward, like Adam with Eve. It can be intense and intrigue-filled like the romance of Song of Solomon. It can be sweet and gentle like Boaz with Ruth. Even those marriages in Scripture which we might think violate this rule actually follow it. Abraham sent his servant to arrange the marriage of his son, Isaac, to a girl from his homeland. An obviously arranged marriage, right? Well no. In fact, we read in Genesis 24, that when Abraham's servant wanted to leave with Rebekah the day after he met her, Laban and Bethuel...

...called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” She said, “I will go.” So they sent away Rebekah their sister and her nurse, and Abraham’s servant and his men. And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,

... “Our sister, may you become
thousands of ten thousands,
and may your offspring possess
the gate of those who hate them!”

Yes the father is important. Yes, he has a vital say in the process. But the girl is the prize. Winning a father's heart while losing his daughter's is failure. Gain the daughter's heart and you've come close to conquering the father as well. Courtship's starting and ending point is the heart of a woman.

Triangulation

Okay, a couple assumptions at the outset.

First, a father has authority over the marriage of a daughter living in his home. This is demonstrated in Scripture by the father’s right to negate a marriage occasioned by a man’s seduction of his virgin daughter.

Second, nowhere ever is sex permitted outside marriage. However, it’s also the case that sex between unmarried adults establishes marriage when promises are exchanged and a father doesn’t veto.

Third, respect for authority is vital. But respect doesn’t require agreement. Nor does it necessitate absolute, unwavering, slavish obedience. Abigail respected Nabal by going to David with her caravan of goods, thus saving Nabal’s life—though he may not have seen it as respectful submission in the midst of his drunken stupor. Authentic authority is not always wise or godly authority. And just as we seek to change the hearts and minds of earthly rulers, so a suitor’s attempts to win a wife don’t necessarily have to come to a clanging stop at a father’s no, though the heart of the father’s authority over his daughter’s marriage must be respected.

Now, having established these baseline assumptions—and I mean them folks, don’t think I don’t—several thoughts about wooing as warfare when the father and family oppose the marriage.

First, let me say very clearly that parents can be—and often are—wrong in their opinions about daughter’s suitors. You may think you’d never act contrary to God’s will for the good of your daughter. Fine, let’s stipulate the truth of this in your case and move on to Ralph, your unwise, not-so-devout friend who just might let personal feelings, biases and plain old ignorance interfere.

Ralph doesn’t want a manual worker for his precious dancer/free spirit/artist daughter. She deserves a doctor, better yet, a professor like himself. Or he doesn’t want a hopeless patriarchalist intruding upon and blighting his daughter’s freedom. Now, here’s the thing: courtship and parental authority aren’t just for Christians. If you’re committed to courtship and parental authority and you just happen to be attracted to the godly daughter of a raving lefty at the local university who hates Christians on principle, you can’t just back out of your commitment to courtship and the father’s authority. You’ve got to beard the man and win his approval, knowing that he’s probably going to say no to you simply because you’re a Christian. What do you do then?

Here are several things to bear in mind….

First, and slightly off the point of the question I pose above, approaching the father at the very outset of your interest in his daughter is probably unwise. Get to know the girl. Get to know if you’re interested in her. See if there’s a reciprocal spark of enthusiasm in her. And remember the assumptions we began with. No sexual acts, not even holding her hand. But go for the girl. Go as far as you’re honestly able in gaining her heart before approaching her father. Speak to her father when she tells you she can’t go further in good conscience or when he asks you what you’re up to. Don’t borrow trouble. Don’t go to dad when neither you nor the girl know exactly what you think about each other. Don’t awaken love before its time.

Remember, the girl you’re pursuing is going to read the world into your approach to her dad. Make sure you’re ready to awaken that kind of emotion and man enough to prosecute your suit in the face of it. And, though I hate to mention this, it’s also possible that you’re persuaded something wonderful is there when she’s merely suffering you. It happens, men: you think something great is happening and she’s simply being kind. Go to the father when the daughter’s uninterested and you’ll awaken scorn rather than love.

Second, if dad opposes, ask yourself if you’re pursuing the right woman. The answer here isn’t obvious either way. It may be that God is demonstrating His “no” through the father’s. But—and this is equally possible—the father may simply need more reason to say yes. Not every no is final. Many are probationary. Is there something you can do to alter his opinion? If so, seek it and do it. Perhaps he’s made his objections to some part of your relationship quite clear and you can meet those objections in good conscience. Well then, do so.

Third, if dad opposes and you believe God wants you married to his daughter, consider triangulation. This, brothers, is where war becomes serious. Triangulation turns a daughter into an ally against her father. Now you will already have begun triangulating simply by gaining a place in the daughter’s heart—this is, after all, your strongest suit with any father. But a further step in this direction is to take the opposite tack. If you are committed to obtaining the father’s approval and he unreasonably withholds it—and if you’re certain God wants you to marry the girl—then consider making very clear to both daughter and father your continued interest and desire for marriage and the impediment his refusal places in your path. Make this fundamentally clear to both, then tell them that because of the father’s refusal you are forced to break all contact with the daughter until and unless the father changes his mind. Finally, do as you say: break contact. Do it absolutely and unflinchingly. Be brave. Don’t say one thing and do another. Totally break contact. Trust God and give her up.

This is war. But it’s also love. You might just have to sacrifice your hopes to gain the girl. Does God want you married to her? If so, trust Him by renouncing her. Remember, Abraham did the same with Isaac and received him back. Do so in faith. Demonstrate to the father the seriousness of his refusal by acting in accord with it. Put the pressure entirely on him. Make his daughter your ally by forcing him to face her desperate unhappiness at your departure from her life. Give him no other option than a stark choice between total responsibility for her unhappiness and capitulation to your suit.

If the man who sets out to woo a woman gives up simply because her father refuses his approval, I question his manhood and the extent of his commitment in the first place. Take it to the father, men. Wage war. Do so respectfully. Don’t betray foundational commitments. Don’t sin in the way you fight your battle. But do fight, man, fight for your bride, fight every foe: change yourself if necessary, fight your own weaknesses and sins; change her father; make it clear to all that you’ll fight to the end to gain her. A real man will do no less.

Protecting our daughters?

A bedrock principle of the modern courtship movement is the father's duty to protect his daughter at the point of marriage. And it's true, fathers are called by God to be guardians of their children. But should fatherly protection take a radically different form for coming-of-age daughters than for coming-of-age sons? Well, yes and no.

Scripture reveals certain fatherly privileges that apply only to daughters. A father can veto his daughter's vows and God will hold her guiltless. More to the point, a father can refuse to give a seduced virgin to her would-be husband:

Exodus 22:16-17
If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the dowry for virgins.

Though the virgin's father can reject his daughter's consummated union, the seducer's father possesses no such veto. Yet Scripture also assumes that the virgin's father will usually accept his daughter's de facto union. Because a seduced daughter is less marriageable than a virgin daughter, a dowry payment is required should the father "absolutely refuse."

But beyond such paternal vetoes, does Scripture reveal a different approach to protecting daughters than sons? Are daughters close-held treasures while sons are javelins tossed to the wind?

No. In fact, Scripture's picture is one of fathers and mothers seeking to influence and protect both sons and daughters at the time of marriage. Abraham seeks a bride for Isaac. Bethuel asks Rebekah if she will go with Abraham's servant to Isaac. Isaac sends Jacob to the house of Bethuel to seek a wife. Manoah seeks to influence Samson's choice of women. Judah refuses his sons to Tamar.

Instead of calling fathers to exercise special protection over their daughters at the point of marriageability, Scripture demands intense fatherly care and discipline (over sons and daughters alike) in younger years which decreases as age and maturity advance. Daughters and sons must both be raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Both should be taught God's Word day and night. Both should be warned of the dangers of sin, the consequences of fast friends and the hazards of adultery. Sons and daughters should be jointly warned of the deadly embrace of the Proverbial loose woman--sons warned against her embrace, daughters against becoming her.

But such nurture has a goal. We don't train our children for war only to shield them perpetually from battle. Training and nurture point to independence, an independence of father and mother that is ultimately dependence on God. Godly daughters raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and lovingly cared for by fathers from infancy will be radically unlikely to reject their father's input when considering marriage. Nothing in the world is more natural than for a daughter raised in this manner to seek her father's opinion and approval when she considers a man as a potential husband. Fathers fear having their daughters' hearts stolen. Brothers, those of us who have our daughters' hearts should not fear this. Fear in such situations borders on faithlessness. God gives us promises for such times. This is precisely why we raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

If a father can't trust his grown daughter’s choices after years of such care, it's as much an indictment of him as of her. What do we reveal of our confidence in our daughters if we must interrogate each man she lingers with in the church parking lot? Where is our faith if we cannot trust her to share a casual cup of coffee with a man at Starbucks? Is this Scripture's picture of father-daughter protection? Or are we perhaps treating our daughters like the women we wish them never to be—weak women incapable of saying no and susceptible to seduction?

Fathers who insist on approving their daughter's male friends from their first blush of romantic interest on embrace a view of fatherly responsibility simultaneously grandiose and abdicating. Grandiose and overly ambitious in that the father's authority over his grown daughter is never described in Scripture as reaching its apex in its control over her courtship and marriage. Grandiose also in that the man who thinks he should be in total control of his godly daughter's marital destiny is probably tragically unaware of his own depravity and fallibility. Abdicating in that the man who must govern his grown daughter's every relationship probably neglected to train her in wisdom and righteousness in the first place.

The Biblical ethic of male leadership and care for women is so foreign to our culture that when Christian men do awaken to it they tend to exaggerate. They overcompensate. Yes we are to protect our women. It's our God-given duty. But protection begins at birth, not puberty. Training begins before our daughters can speak, not when they're giving their hearts to a man.

Ultimately, godly fatherhood is one long path of training and challenging, of protection and releasing in faith. Yes, if our daughter sins we must oppose her. Yes, we have a duty to counsel--and ultimately to give her hand in marriage. But if we suddenly stand and act as men only at the point of romance, when our daughters' hearts are being claimed by others, it's too little too late. The cows are already in the pasture, there's no sense rushing to close the gate.